Now that we’ve lived in Southern Maryland for three months, we’re reminded of the area’s unique charm. So here is Hereditary Insanity’s list of eighteen ways to tell that you’re in Southern Maryland. Props to my husband, Matt Fisher, for his help.
- “It’s in a big white farmhouse” isn’t a specific enough direction.
- Neither is “Turn right at the old tobacco barn.”
- Nor is “It’s off Old Solomons Island Road.”
- Your kids are calling adults “Mr. or Miss (first name).”
- You can’t get beer or wine in the grocery store but you can get liquor at the drive-through.
- You have to drive 20 miles out of your way to get around the river or the bay, or 30 miles to the closest bridge.
- Kids get two snow days and a two-hour delay for every predicted flurry.
- A background check to volunteer at school takes longer to complete than a top-secret government clearance.
- Every menu lists at least four crab dishes: Whole crabs, crab soup, crab cakes and Crab Imperial.
- You pass slow drivers on their right using the turn lanes.
- Snow one day and seventy the next is perfectly normal.
- You can hit rain, snow, fog and sun within a 10-mile radius.
- If you work in DC, you get buzzed by Air Force One on your way to work.
- If you’re wearing blue and gold, someone will undoubtedly ask, “Which boat did you serve on?”
- You can buy crabs, hay and produce at the same roadside stand.
- If you miss one roadside stand, there’ll be ten more on your way.
- You can’t spit without hitting a sculpture made of crab pots.
- Crab pots are readily available at Walmart.
You’ve seen those “Only in New York, The Midwest, California” etc. posts, mostly on Facebook. Well, this is my “Never in Seattle” list. All items happened in Maryland and depict actual events and people. I use the term “Seattle” loosely as I lived in the ‘burbs.
Never in Seattle
- I conversed with a stranger for longer than 10 seconds.
- A cashier caught an error in my bill and went out of her way to fix it, smiling the whole time.
- We had an elaborate brunch with Santa for $15 a head AND kids ate free.
- All the morning rain dried up by 11 a.m. WHEN THE SUN CAME OUT!!
- I swam in a public pool without the encroachment of Old-World Asian women doing water aerobics.
- That same pool did not have a warm spot that mysteriously aligned with an old man doing water aerobics.
- My daughter attended public, all-day kindergarten for FREE!
- We had five sunny days in a row IN DECEMBER!
- Two Walmart employees loaded a huge heavy gift into my car and I didn’t even have to ask.
- No one stepped in front of my car at Walmart. read more
It took a lot of doing but we did it. We’re officially East Coasters again. It all started with a house. We wanted to move but didn’t have a firm date, a job, or a plan. Nevertheless, I was cruising the real estate sites (See “My real [estate] obsession”). I insisted that my husband find a job first, until I found my dream house online and had to have it.
My husband had been running into road blocks on his job search because recruiters would see his address and assume he’d want them to cover moving expenses, even though his cover letter clearly stated that he wouldn’t. So he was pushing to move without a new job. I vehemently objected, then I found the house, we reviewed our finances and we had a meeting of the minds. read more