Pregnancy: It’s Not Pretty Part 3 – Labor Day

Labor Day

Day 259: Thanksgiving and I can eat as much as I want! Gluttony’s last hurrah.
Day 259, 3 p.m.: Dinner smells great. I have outdone myself. Just a quick pee break before dinner. Ow! “Honey, I may be having contractions, but let’s just eat and see.”
Day 259, 3:20 p.m.: OW! “Yep, Honey, I do believe I’m in labor, but it takes several hours for your first. Think I should warm up the pie?”
Day 259, 3:35 p.m.: OW!
Day 259, 3:50 p.m.: “What do you mean, where’s the doctor’s card? I thought YOU had it!”
Day 259, 4 p.m.: “Hello, Service? I think I’m in labor. Yes, I’ll wait for the call”
Day 259, 4:20 p.m.: “Hi, doc. About 10 minutes apart, yes. I was just about to lie down. The hospital? Now? I was going to take a nap.”
Day 259, 4:40 p.m.: “What do you mean; you don’t believe it’s real? This pain is pretty freakin’ real. What is WITH you people? First my husband thinks the pains ‘aren’t regular enough’ and now this.” It hurts so bad I may puke. “Yes, I’ll take a walk, but this baby’s coming out today. I will NOT do this again.”
Day 259, 6:30 p.m.: “I TOLD you so! Yes, I will gladly go to the labor room. Thank you, I would love a hot shower and an epidural.”
Day 259, 7 p.m.: Ow, OW! That’s a needle in my spine! Ahhhhh. Dentist numb.
Day 259, 7:20 p.m.: “That was a contraction? Really? I had no idea. This completely rocks. Oh, sure, go ahead and break my water. I’ll just lay here until we’re done.”
Day 259, 11:15 p.m.: “So what exactly is a practice push? Like a big poop, huh? Oooh.”
Day 260, 12 a.m.: “What do you mean, stop pushing? It feels like a turd the size of a thermos. We have to wait for the neonatal team? Why is it taking so long? Don’t you people do this all the time? You’d think you’d be faster at it.”
Day 260, 12:15 a.m.: Ow, ow, ow, sploosh. Holy crap it’s gone. Ahhh. “Waaaah!” Did that really come out of me? It’s alive. How weird is that?
Day 260, 12:20 a.m.: “Hi, baby, I’m your mommy and this is my boob.” Did that really come out of me? Hey, she’s not all pruney. Sure, let’s deliver the placenta. Whatever, I’m still numb. It’s gone? Coool. Now can we order pizza?
Day 260, 2 a.m.: Look at her! She’s beautiful and she’s perfect. And I’m not pregnant anymore. But you know what, Honey? Next time we’re getting a puppy.”

Epilogue

The new puppy arrived Sept. 13, 2010, at 3:10 p.m., after mama waited 4 hours for an epidural. He was born to the tune of “Roll with the Changes” by REO Speedwagon. Baby Boy Fisher weighed eight pounds, nine ounces. We brought him home and baby and mama are happy and healthy. Next time I really mean it: we’re getting a dog!