Today begins Week 14. I have high hopes for Week 14 because that’s when the morning sickness subsided last time. I’ve been OK on and off this week but yesterday I had a terrible relapse, so I know I’m not out of the woods yet. I can’t wait to feel normal again and to eat foods with flavor. When my stomach stabilizes, we’re going on World Food Tour 2010. I want Ethiopian, Indian, Japanese Steakhouse and fish and chips to start. And chocolate. I miss chocolate. Thanks for all of the comments and I hope you enjoy the second installment of “Pregnancy: It’s Not Pretty.”
Pregnancy: It’s Not Pretty
Day 71: Since when is 12 weeks NOT the second trimester? Total of 9 months, 3 months have gone by, that’s the first third, ergo trimester. Now they’re saying 14 weeks! What the hell kind of math is that? Show me that equation.
Day 85: Wow, I woke up this morning and I was hungry. Not choking down crackers because I was sick, but actually hungry! It’s over! Thank God it’s over!
Day 85, 1 p.m.: Oh, God, it’s back. I knew it wouldn’t go away. I’m in the 9-month yak camp, I know it.
Day 92: It’s gone 70 percent of the time. So I’m sick only 30 percent of the time now. I hate the bitches who had it easy, but at least it’s something.
Day 105: It’s nighttime and I have felt human all day. Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?
Day 106: It happened again. There is a God.
Day 107: Booked a cruise. Our honeymoon/last chance for fun before parenthood. Thousands of nonrefundable dollars if the sickness comes back, but I’ll take the chance. I haven’t felt good enough for anything to be fun in months.
Day 142: The amnio. I heard it was horrible. The sonogram’s cute, though. “There’s the head, the arms and the feet, right here by the bladder.” Hey, kid, that’s not the moon bounce! Great. Now I have to pee. Child, you are so grounded when you’re born. “Hmm, I can’t seem to break through the amniotic sack.” Uhh, I see the baby somersaulting on the monitor. Please do not stab its head and for God’s sake shut up and just tell me when it’s over. “Do you want to know what it is?” Absolutely. “It’s a girl!” Oh my God, we wanted a girl! Oh my God, what if something horrible shows up on the amnio and we have to terminate? Oh my God, why didn’t we wait for the results to know the sex?
Day 130: Sucks to forego tropical drinks on the pool deck, but it’s still all play and no work, my commute is on a tender boat to a tropical island and I can nap anytime I want. And bountiful feasts await my ravenous soul. I always wanted a tapeworm, but this kid is even better.
8:30 Breakfast: Scrambled eggs, pancakes, hash browns, fruit and decaf.
10:00 Snack: Fruit, waffle, sausage
Lunch: Italian buffet on the Lido deck.
Snack: Two manicotti and a cannoli.
Snack: Party mix at the bar.
Dinner: Cream of asparagus soup, bread and butter, Caesar salad, rack of lamb, garlic mashed potatoes, carrot medallions and key lime pie.
Snack: 24-hour pizza.
Day 131: Weightlessness in the pool. It’s like having an orgasm while eating chocolate cheesecake with whipped cream and fudge sauce.
Day 132: Snorkeling: I was watching the fishies and had to pee, and I just let ‘er rip. I love snorkeling.
Day 133: It was really hot shopping in Cozumel. We had to find some air conditioning or I was going to pass out and have to go to the Mexican ER, so we wasted our shore time in the Hard Rock Cafe.
Day 134: Oh, please, a chili relleno, 3 taquitos, 2 enchiladas and some seven-layer dip does not a Mexican buffet make. Thank God for the chocolate cake. Mmmmm.
Day 134, 15 min. later: Feel a little twitch in my stomach muscles. Damn Mexican food. Hmm, there it is again. And again. Feels a little weird, though. Could that be the baby? It IS, isn’t it? Oh, God, I’m crying. “Honey, give me your hand. She’s kicking. How can you not feel that? Fine, don’t believe me.” This is the most amazing day of my life. I wonder if it was the cake.
Day 140: Back to reality. I asked my boss for a laptop so I can work out of the ladies’ room. He laughed. Every 20 minutes and it always feels full. It’s the inconvenience of a bladder infection without the pain.